“I don’t know why I keep attracting the same women.”
“I keep finding myself in the same…financial situation…problems at work…unrewarding friendships…etc.”
These are some of the things I hear frequently when I coach men. The question often asked is, “How do I stop this from happening?”
The answer is…
the behavior or actions that create the results you are getting won’t change, until you change the belief about yourself that you are operating under.
Here is the context.
We usually create beliefs of who we are in the world when we are very young. They come from events we experience, and then we assign meaning or create a message about who we are from it.
Often times an event we experience throws us off balance, and with our immature minds we try to make sense of it the best we can.
Usually, we look to ourselves as being the problem or reason it occurred.
We come to the conclusion “there is something wrong with me”. Thoughts like, “I’m stupid and can’t learn; I make mistakes and am bad; I don’t count; I’m not loveable” enter our minds. And, this list can go on and on.
Maybe one of these resonate with you?
What happens after we create the false or sabotaging belief from an event?
We create behaviors to help us avoid a similar event happening again, or avoid being seen as that person we have falsely come to believe we are….stupid, bad, un-loveable.
Ever wonder where your perfectionism came from? Do you remember an event where you may have been shamed or punished for making a mistake?
Often times after such an event, you will go on to develop behaviors that help you be perfect. This happens because of a false belief you took on from the event, such as “I can’t make a mistake.”
Those behaviors may help you survive the environment you are in where the shame was inflicted, but as an adult they get in your way, especially if you are projecting that onto others around you.
Are you at a loss to understand why you feel the need to always be the one who gives, and also find it uncomfortable to receive from others? Consider these may be behaviors of someone who believes they don’t deserve love, or they don’t matter.
The way out of a false or sabotaging belief is to get clear on what are facts from the event, and what is the message or meaning that you took on from the event.
These are not the same thing, and not knowing the difference is how we get trapped in false belief.
When we can look at the facts of an event without judgment or opinion, it creates a degree of separation for us to see that, “yes, I am the one who gave the event meaning and took it on.”
Even if you had a parent directly say, “You are a worthless piece of shit”, is that true about you?
The data may be…1) I did not vacuum the floor, 2) My dad said, “You are a worthless piece of shit”. Yet maybe the meaning you took on about yourself from that data was “I can’t do anything right”.
Is it actually true that you can’t do ANYTHING right?
What kind of behaviors do you think you will develop trying not to be judged or viewed as someone who can’t do anything right? Will you play it safe and not take risks? How does that affect the decisions you make?
And if you choose to buy into the lie that you can’t do anything right, will you develop behaviors that permit others to blame you for things that have nothing to do with you? How does that affect your ability to make boundaries?
If you want to change your behaviors you have to change the false belief that created the behavior.
Good news! There is a reframing process that helps you do this.
It goes like this:
1) What is the data of the event?
2) How did the event make you feel?
3) What meaning or belief about yourself did you create from the event?
4) What actions or behaviors did you take on over time to ACT like the belief was true?
5) What have these behaviors and actions prevented you from doing?
6) Do you take 100% responsibility for the the belief you took on?
7) What is the TRUE belief about you in that event?
8) Declare what NEW possibilities are available for you living with the true belief.
This reframing process is something I help men do, so they can move beyond that behavior that is getting in their way of getting what they want in life.
When the true belief is present, new behaviors and actions will follow. With consistent application of the new behavior, you discover new and better outcomes.
Please reach out if you have questions about this process, or if you want to identify any false/sabotaging beliefs that may be driving your current behaviors.
Author: Todd Gorishek
Todd is a certified Men’s Life Coach, an entrepreneur, a licensed healthcare professional, a husband, a father, and a world traveler. His mission is to co-create a strong and compassionate world by facilitating transformation through understanding, trust, and empowerment.
He received his professional Life Coaching education from Newfield Network, a certified Life Coach training school, and is a member of the International Coach Federation.